What Happens When a Child Loves — or Misses — Someone Who Has Hurt Them?

Understanding trauma bonds, attachment, and the role of child-focused family therapy

One of the most confronting realities for parents, professionals, and the legal system is this: children may continue to love, miss, or seek connection with someone who has harmed them.

This can be deeply confusing and distressing for families. It can also create uncertainty around how best to protect and support the child. From a clinical perspective, this response is not unusual. It reflects the complexity of attachment, trauma, and child development — not weakness, and not consent.

Understanding why this occurs is essential to protecting children safely and effectively.

Attachment does not disappear simply because harm has occurred

Children are biologically wired to form attachments to their caregivers. These attachments develop early and serve as the foundation for survival, emotional regulation, and identity (Bowlby, 1988). Even when harm occurs, the attachment system often remains active.

Children may:

• Miss the person who hurt them

• Feel loyalty or responsibility toward them

• Minimise or deny harmful experiences

• Seek reassurance and connection

• Experience confusion between love and fear

This can be known as trauma bonding, where attachment and harm become psychologically intertwined (van der Kolk, 2014). Importantly, this does not mean the child was not harmed. It means their attachment system is still functioning.

Children depend on caregivers for emotional and physical survival

Unlike adults, children cannot simply “choose” to disengage from unsafe relationships. Their brains are still developing, particularly in areas responsible for threat detection, emotional regulation, and decision-making (Teicher & Samson, 2016). Children may maintain emotional connection to unsafe caregivers because:

• They depend on them for safety and survival

• They fear abandonment

• They seek emotional stability

• They normalise harmful behaviour

• They protect themselves psychologically from overwhelming fear

Research shows that children exposed to abuse often maintain attachment to the abusive caregiver as a protective psychological adaptation (Howe, 2005).

This response reflects survival — not choice.

Children may not disclose harm immediately — or at all

Disclosure of abuse is a process, not a single event. Children may delay disclosure due to:

• Fear of consequences

• Fear of family disruption

• Emotional loyalty

• Shame or confusion

• Fear of not being believed

Studies show that delayed or partial disclosure is common in children exposed to abuse (Alaggia, Collin-Vézina, & Lateef, 2019).

Children often communicate distress through behaviour rather than words.

This may include:

• Withdrawal

• Anxiety

• Behavioural changes

• Emotional regulation

• Conflicted feelings toward the caregiver

These responses require careful, therapeutic understanding.

Protecting the child must remain the priority — even when attachment remains

Research is clear:children require safe, stable, and protective caregiving environments to recover from trauma (Australian Institute of Family Studies, 2018). Maintaining attachment to unsafe individuals without therapeutic intervention can increase long-term psychological harm. Protective responses include:

• Ensuring the child’s physical and emotional safety

• Providing clear protective boundaries

• Avoiding forcing emotional decisions on the child

• Providing access to independent therapeutic support

• Supporting the child to process complex emotional experiences safely

Safety and attachment must be addressed carefully and professionally.

The role of Reportable Family Therapy in supporting children safely

Reportable Family Therapy provides a structured, child-focused therapeutic process to understand the child’s emotional experience, attachment needs, and safety requirements. This includes:

• Independent therapeutic sessions with the child

• Parent sessions to understand family dynamics

• Clinical assessment of attachment, safety, and wellbeing

• Observation of family interaction (where appropriate)

• Therapeutic formulation of the child’s emotional needs

• A formal therapeutic report outlining findings and recommendations

This process ensures that the child’s emotional reality is understood independently of adult narratives.

Research confirms that child-focused therapeutic intervention improves emotional recovery, reduces trauma symptoms, and supports safer long-term outcomes (Cohen, Mannarino, & Deblinger, 2017). Importantly, therapeutic reports are child-focused, clinically informed, and prioritise the child’s safety and wellbeing.

From a therapeutic perspective

Children may continue to love someone who has hurt them. This does not mean the harm did not occur. It means the child’s attachment system is still active. Children do not need to be asked to choose between love and safety. They need support to understand their experiences safely. With appropriate therapeutic support, children can process trauma, develop emotional clarity, and rebuild a sense of safety.

The role of family therapy is not to force outcomes.It is to understand the child — and ensure their safety comes first.

References

Alaggia, R., Collin-Vézina, D., & Lateef, R. (2019). Facilitators and barriers to child sexual abuse disclosure. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 20(2), 260–283.

Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2018). Effects of child abuse and neglect on child development.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development.

Cohen, J. A., Mannarino, A. P., & Deblinger, E. (2017). Treating trauma and traumatic grief in children and adolescents.

Howe, D. (2005). Child abuse and neglect: Attachment, development and intervention.

Teicher, M. H., & Samson, J. A. (2016). Annual Research Review: Enduring neurobiological effects of childhood abuse and neglect.

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score.